A Planet Problem
By Maple B.
Characters
Narrator
Mercury
Saturn
Uranus
Sun
Scene One
(Bright light shining. As the light dims, enter all. Sun stands center stage, and planets begin to “orbit” it. Mercury closest to sun, then Saturn, then Uranus. The planets are not in a line. As each planet gets directly in front of the audience, everything freezes, and that planet speaks. When speech is done, everything un-pauses.)
(Mercury faces front. Everything pauses.)
Mercury: Hi, I’m Mercury. I’m small and fast. I’m not happy! I often leave my orbit to visit the asteroid belt. But I really like Saturn, though I don’t often get to visit her. Whenever I have a problem, I ask Saturn. Do you?
Uranus, rudely, still frozen: No!
(Un-pause. Planets continue orbit.)
(Saturn faces front. Everything pauses.)
Saturn: Hi, I’m Saturn. I’m very smart. I’m super slow because if my rings—which are actually hula hoops—are bumped, they’ll fall. I have rings because my giant hula hoops got stuck!
(Un-pause. Planets continue orbit.)
(Uranus faces front. Everything pauses.)
Uranus: I’m proud and I often brag. I hate the sun and would like to get rid of it. I also dislike all the planets, especially the smart ones and the smart ones’ friends.
Narrator: Millions of years from now, when the sun got old, its life ended.
(Explosive sound. Sun pretends to explode, then runs offstage.)
(Mercury, Saturn, and Uranus quickly move to the spot where the sun had been.)
Mercury and Saturn, together, looking upset: Oh no, what should we do?
Uranus, at the same time as Mercury and Saturn’s line, jumping with joy: Yay! No more sun! No more light or heat!
Saturn, looking serious and thoughtful: Well, we’ll need a new star or sun. Without one, we’ll freeze! We need something!
Uranus, crossly: Well, I won’t.
Saturn: Yes you will. You’ll freeze without one!
Uranus: I will not!
Saturn: Yes you will!
(Beginning to look very angry, Saturn and Uranus continue their argument in fierce and impatient voices, sometimes stomping or raising fists.)
Uranus: Will not!
Saturn: Will too!
Uranus: Will not!
Saturn: Will too!
(Saturn and Uranus continue their “will not” “will too” argument until Mercury starts to speak. Then, both stop to listen, still looking furious.)
Mercury: The point is, we need to do something. You’re smartest, Saturn. What’a we do?
Saturn, looking puzzled: Uh, find another star?
Mercury, excited and happy: Oh, I knew smart Saturn wouldn’t get us down! Great idea! All right, guys, let’s split up and look for a substitute star! We knew the sun better than anyone, so get one that’s similar, okay?
Uranus, stubbornly: I won’t!
Saturn, looking stern: You have to.
Uranus, fiercely: I WON’T!
Saturn, looking triumphant at what she says: Two against one. Go!
(Blackout.)
Scene 2
Narrator: The next day, when the friends met by the place where the sun had been…
Mercury to other planets: Find anything?
Saturn and Uranus, Saturn looking sad and let down; Uranus looking grateful: Nope.
Saturn, suddenly, her face lighting up: But what if we gathered all the specks of light in the entire solar system and molded them together?
Narrator: So that’s what the friends did.
(Mercury, Saturn, and Uranus pretend to be gathering something solid)
Narrator: With the new “sun”—
Uranus, incredulously: Sun?!?
Saturn, whispering through gritted teeth: Be quiet! She’s trying to do a show!
Narrator: — everyone lived happily and peacefully for seven billion eight hundred ninety two million five hundred sixty eight thousand four hundred twenty one years.
(Exit all. After Narrator leaves stage, she sticks her head back out to speak.)
Narrator: Or something like that!